im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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