I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
