I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
