I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
