We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
