a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
