sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
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She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
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Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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