he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
