Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
