Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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