Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Randomize
