I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
