i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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