This is not my ceiling
farters have to be the big spoon...
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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