I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
