I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
