wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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