We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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