i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
