I feel like abortions should bother me more
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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