When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Randomize
