Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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