Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
