Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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