I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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