take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
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