If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
