who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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