i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
