Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
