Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
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