I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
