I have demons in me.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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