My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
