If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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