Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
