one two three fourrrrnication!
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
