If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
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