I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
