he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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