it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I feel like a drive thru vagina
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
