We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Too much gin, very little bucket
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
