Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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