The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
