covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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