There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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