My Higher Power is John Stamos
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Randomize
