If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Randomize
