I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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