I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
