I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
