I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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