Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
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