Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
