Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
